


You Are The Reason

by Wildflowerheart



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:27:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27509821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wildflowerheart/pseuds/Wildflowerheart
Summary: Matt reflects on his first fight with Sylvie.
Relationships: Sylvie Brett/Matthew Casey
Comments: 7
Kudos: 69





	1. I’m Reminded of You

**Author's Note:**

> 🚒🚑
> 
> In the spirit of season 9! (honestly guys I am so excited! I know you are too) i thought I would put out some content. 
> 
> This is a one shot idea I've had in my drafts for ages, it's angsty and sad but I wrote it during a time when I was majorly in my feels haha and just finished it now.
> 
> This is going to be a place for all my one shot ideas that come to my mind that don’t fit into any of my other fics. 
> 
> Enjoy guys and there’s plenty more where this came from, I have a lot of saved one shot ideas.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything around him reminds him of her.

Making his way through his apartment he stands for a minute taking in the darkness and to anyone else he knows that he definitely looks odd.

They might even be concerned enough to ask if he’s okay but at this point thought he’s said _‘I’m fine_ ’ so many times that whoever asks they should already know the answer they’ll get. 

He turns the lights on and immediately the stark brightness is a reminder that he’s alone.

Although she's not with him anymore her stuff is still everywhere, the vanilla and cedarwood scented candle sits in the middle of the coffee table. Her pink and cream coloured throw is draped over her corner of the couch and her polaroid camera sits on his shelf with some printed photos of the two of them stuck to the fridge.

She gone but she's everywhere and its killing him.

The quietness makes his mind feel much louder than he would like, its different now.

Well actually, it had been different for awhile and maybe this was him finally accepting she was gone.

Not that he’d ever be able to accept how it ended between the two of them. He was utterly ashamed of how he left things with her in every way he knew he had done wrong, there was absolutely no denying it. 

He thinks back to their fight, memories of the two of them flash around him. 

_At the start of her furlough she was staying at his apartment and things where wonderful they'd go to bed together and wake up together. They could have breakfast together before he left for work and then she'd be home once he was done and could sneak into bed with her.  
_

_Everything was going so well and in a way maybe they were boiling up to a fight or some kind of disagreement.  
_

_“Matt we’ve been together 8 months now..aren’t you ready to tell people? I wanna tell people. I’m sick of hiding us.”_

_He sighs running his fingers through his hair, he’d just finished a 24 hour shift and here they were in the beginning stages of an argument. “Sylvie yes of course I want to tell peopl-.”_

_”But?” She doesn’t let him finish, and that annoys him just that little bit._

_“I don’t know yet. I’m just-I need more time. I like us, I like that we can get to know each other without prying eyes.” He looks up finishing his sentence, maybe that’s enough and she’ll understand what he means.  
_

_He knows she gets it, it’s in her eyes with a mixture of sorrow. “Matt are you ashamed of me? Ashamed of what people will think because of Gabby.”_  
  
_Taken back he did not see that coming at all. How could she say that. “Sylvie Brett of course not! I am not ashamed of you, of us. I resent that implication.”_

_“What else am I supposed to think Matt?” Her voice is a soft mumble.  
_

_“Maybe not that, you should know me better than to think that.” The difference in their voices is obvious, he is now clearly annoyed at what she had said.  
  
He blames it particularly on the fact that he’s had not much sleep. Being this annoyed at her is new and he doesn’t like the feeling that comes with it. _

_They sleep separately that night. He takes the couch, and he offers her his bed, it feels wrong but they had stood staring at each other for so long, chest puffed out, eyes heavy and confused._

_They needed time to cool off. Sleep would be good for them,_ _they could work it out tomorrow._

_Instead he wakes up to find his bed made and a note sitting on the pillow of her side of the bed._

_She was gone and was going to be spending the rest of her furlough in New York visiting her a friend. She thought it was good for them to spend some time apart and that it would also be a good idea to think about what he really wanted and that she would be back in a week so they could talk about it._

_But he didn't need time apart to think about what he wanted, he knew exactly what he wanted._

_He wanted her of course he he did._

_He so respected and loved her, so much, he_ _wasn't going fight it, he’d always_ _respect her._

That was four weeks ago and she'd been back for two weeks now and they are still yet to talk. Of course they are friendly to each other in-front of everyone, being professional was important but that didn't mean that on the inside he felt like he was burning up. 

Completely on fire and engulfed by the hurt he had caused the both of them.

The one fire he simply couldn’t put out, or at least didn’t know how to.

It wasn’t like he could ask anyone for help, no-one had known about them 8 months they were together and they hadn’t announced to anyone that they had been seeing each-other.

That’s what they had decided, unfortunately it could have been their wrong doing, or his. 4 months in and she was looking too tell their friends and family but he wasn’t ready, 6 months in and still he felt unready.   
  
So when the 8 month mark came along and she asked him when he’d be ready and he didn’t have an answer, well that was his first mistake.

Not telling her straight away what he wanted. 

Of course she was upset, she had every right to be. He shouldn’t have been surprised when she was. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell people about them, especially the people closest to them. He did, truly he just loved their bubble of just the two of them getting to know each-other in their own time. But truthful he knew it was more than that, he was scared, scared of what was growing between the two of them.

When she acknowledged that they weren’t getting any younger, which he knew, it scared the crap out of him and simply he didn’t know what to do about it. He’d been trying to figure out what to do or say to her since she left.

He’d always been worried that the effects on his relationship with Gabby and the lasting scars that were left from her. Although she would say that he took away her independence, it was also true that she made him feel inadequate.

Matt definitely didn’t think it would fester and make its way into his relationship with Sylvie, he always felt different with her, the last two years they had built a foundation on friendship. 

And now this is where he is, with all the guilt and frustration in the world. He knew the loss he was feeling was different than to the loss he left with Gabby. Loosing Sylvie and the crushing feeling of their last discussion wouldn't leave his mind and all he knew was that he needed to fix things. 

To tell her that he loved her and how incredibly sorry he was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited.


	2. All The Pretty Lights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of their kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Chicago fire fam 🚒🚑
> 
> My take on what happens after the ending of 9x02. 
> 
> (Has anyone else not recovered from that episode? Because i haven’t) 
> 
> Enjoy my lovelies, hopefully this fills the void until January.
> 
> Let me know what you guys think 🤔 ☁️

_'I'm sorry I think you should leave.'_

_'I'm sorry I think you should leave.'_

_'I'm sorry I think you should leave.'_

Her words re-play on his mind in repeat.

_'I'm sorry I think you should leave.'_

_'I'm sorry I think you should leave.'_

_'I'm sorry I think you should leave.'_

He sighs turning around to rest his head on her head door. The sound of her sniffles echo through the door and into the empty and quiet hall.

He'd give anything to go back in and rewind to 10 minutes ago but he has no-one to blame but himself.

God she was beautiful, exquisite, her floral perfume was all he could smell, being so close to her, the closest he's ever been.

Right there in the crock of her neck, peppering her neck with small kisses he can’t get the perfume smell out of senses.

For the millisecond she was up and in his arms he would never forget the way she felt around him.

Holding her, carrying her, his grip like vice, he didn’t want to let go, he could have held her forever.

She showed all the bravery in the world, the last few days had already proven this 10 fold, he always knew she was brave, much more brave than he ever was.

He had wanted to kiss her so many time and all this time he had imagined, dreamt of what it would feel like to kiss Sylvie Brett, but he always found away to talk himself out of it.

When she had moved for the kiss he wanted to revel in it, so when she pulled away there was only one thing he could do.

Go back for more. Kissing her was exactly how he had imagine and so much more.

And now that he had, he wasn't sure how he could ever not think about it or forget it. He really had some stuff to sort out.

Of course he knew.

As soon as their lips had touched in that moment he could hardly think straight, his mind and body had literally short-circuited.

Matt couldn't feel anymore like a coward if he had tried, she had been the one to bring up Gabby but Gabby was the furthest though from his mind. He hadn't spoken or head from her in months, to him it was a sign that he was moving on.

He used to catch himself thinking about her but that hadn't happened anymore not for a long time, hearing her say Gabby had thrown him off, he honestly didn't see it coming. 

But he should have, he should have known better, better for the both of them, of course it would come up he understood why it had.

He just wished he had a better handle on his answer. 

Stepping away from her door he takes one more moment to take it all in, this door would always mean something to him. It was where the friendship turned into something more. 

There was a lot of symbolism happening around doors nowadays. 

He huffs turning down the corridor and steps out of the building and back into his car.

Looking up from his window he searches for hers and in an instant he sees her shadow behind the curtain, she's pacing slowly, with one hand on her hip and the other on her head.

He can't even imagine what she is feeling but he knows one thing for sure, he would be back, back with a proper answer. 

Just not tonight. 

He had a few things he needed to sort out before he could come back and as much as it had pained him to leave he had too. She asked him to leave and he respected her too damn much to not listen. 

It's quiet when he gets back to the loft the laughter and chatter of Severide and Kidd is nowhere to be heard.

He’s wasn’t in any frame of mind for company and the only company he wanted just told him to leave. 

Right now his entire being would be a dead give away of what's just happened he can't help the way he feels right now.

He wouldn't be able to put a front, not with Severide, with one look he would know.

Just like he knew earlier on shift. 

It's always just because of one look, damn he wishes he was less obvious.

He makes his way into his room keeping his head down not bothering to take a second glance anywhere else for his roommates.

Stella was one of Sylvie's best-friends at the firehouse, there was no way he'd be able to face her now either, he really needed to get his own place. 

Matt lays down onto his bed fully clothed, unbothered by everything he doesn't want to move he doesn't want to do anything.

Anything except thinking back to when he first appeared at Sylvie's door he wasn't sure what would happen once he had finished knocking.

All he knew was that he needed to see her.

For the first time since their friendship had deepened she was avoiding him. She had avoided him all shift, he had this unsettling feeling in the pit of stomach as he watched her walk away so abruptly from Molly's the other night. 

Everything in him was screaming for Ghallo to stop talking. 

It was too late, admittedly that was why he had been a little short with him the following shift. It wasn’t his fault he knew that but for some reason everyone else hadn't said anything to her about the call.

They all had left out the key part of the reason as to how he had gotten to her so fast and he'd hoped it would stay that way but he should have known. 

He should have been the one to say something. Why didn't he say anything? He racked his brain thinking of any reason as to why but nothing came up. 

Absolutely nothing. He'd do that for any one of his friends right? Of course, so then why couldn't he just tell her himself what he did. 

Deep down in his heart he knows why. 

A knock at his door startles him but even so he still doesn't make an effort to move, he still can't so he mummbles "Come in." 

Severide appears and closes the door behind him. "Hey man. You alright?"

"Nope." Brutal honesty would be it for him now, well for this conversation at-least.

Taken back he raises his eye-brows, he can't blame him Matts go-to for that question was always _'I'm fine'_ but this time he wanted to welcome whatever lecture or advice his was about to get. 

"What's going on?" Kelly takes a seat at the end of his bed. 

"She kissed me." 

"Who?" Matt gives him a flat look an all too knowing look, was he really going to make him say it out-loud. "You know exactly who." 

He shrugs giving him the same look back. "Yeah I do, just wanted to hear it from you." 

"So come on out with it then. I know you and Kidd probably talked, and Kidd definitely talked to Sylvie. So tell me how it is then." 

"Dude..I-hmm we don't want to get up in your business." Severide shifts around to face him properly. 

Matt sits up shaking his head. "No, it's okay just tell me what you want to say. I wouldn't mind your advice right now."

"I care about you man so tell me how you feel, right now what is it that you are thinking."

"I'm thinking that it's ridiculous that Gabby always seems to come up, how I can't seem to ever escape her not because she's on my mind but because everyone will always see her and I as _'made for each other'_. She left me, she sent me divorce papers and yeah maybe we looked like we were perfect but we weren't and eventually we would have hurt each-other more had it not been about her wanting to carry a baby."

Severide makes no effort to cut him off instead he lets him continue to vent, to let it all out. 

"I'm allowed to move on aren't I? Last I heard she's very happy over there. Aren't I entitled to some happiness for god sake."

"You're entitled to more than _some happiness_ Matt." 

"Yeah well it doesn't seem like it, it feels like everyone wants me to pine after Gabby forever, they expect me to die thinking she was the one that got away." He runs his hands across his face and takes slow breathes, in and out. 

He was getting frustrated.

Severide shakes his head and snorts as if so say he's crazy for thinking that. "I don't expect that, and I can definitely tell you that everyone else that knows you would agree with me. If she makes you happy then you deserve that." 

"We were kissing and all I could think about was her and how long I had waited for this moment. Gabby was the furthest thing from my mind.” The minute she mentioned Gabby he wanted to kiss her more, clearly he wasn’t doing it right because she was thinking about something else.

If he could he would have kissed all her negative thoughts away.

”But you understand why she had to say something though right?”

”Yeah I do, and what I said afterwards I-you should have seen the look on her face man, she was crushed I think I hurt her more than the accident did.” He knows he definitely hurt her and there was a possibility that it hurt more than the rig did when it went over the guardrail. 

That thought alone made him hurt.

He’d never forget the look on her face as she told him to leave, the way her lip quivered and her beautiful blues eyes shined from fresh tears ready to roll down her cheeks. 

“Let me ask you something, I think I know the answer and so do you but sometimes it helps to say it out loud.” 

Matt eyes him suspiciously. “Who are you and what have you done to Kelly Severide?” 

Kelly snorts and laughs slightly. “He got a girlfriend that he‘s madly in-love with and wants to be the better man for her because that what’s she deserves. Now back to you, how do you actually feel about Sylvie? How did it make you feel when you saw the accident?” 

“I-ah, my feelings for her are real, I know they are. When I heard the 10-1 over the radio I got goosebumps. I had this awful feeling, then when we couldn’t see the rig my goosebumps got goosebumps and then when we saw that they had gone over the guardrail my entire body took over, it was like an outer body experience.

I didn’t know what I was doing I just jumped and all I knew was that I had to get to her it didn’t damn well matter how.” Finally he takes a breath and makes eye contact with his friend. 

Kelly wears a recognisable smile on his face teeth showing and everything. “What?” 

“You’re in-love with her.” 

“Yeah.” 

Knocking his shoulder with his own. “Say it.” 

“Why?” Nodding his head to the side he looks at him as if he’s got two heads. 

Rolling his eyes Severide huffs. “Just trust me.” 

Matt swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing. He doesn’t understand his friend something but apart of his gets it. Maybe once he’s said it out loud he can finally relish it and take it all in. ”I-I’m, ah I’m in-love with her.”

Gesturing with his hands to continue he pushes him to continue.“Yeah and how did that feel?”

“Pretty fucking amazing.” As much as he would have rather wanted to say it for the first time to Sylvie herself he feels good saying it now with his friend here not judging him but encouraging his feelings. 

“So what are you going to do about now?” Kelly ask him, and what a good question it was because what the heck was he going to do? Or better yet how was he going to prove to her that he wanted her and not his ex-wife. 

_So what now?_

_..._

The hustle and bustle of all the people around him almost makes him annoyed. He’s thankful for the warmth of the coffee and the way it helps to calm him down just that little bit.

This was how his morning was starting, it’s in the early hours of the morning and he’s definitely tired.

But the early the better and the quicker this was done and over with then he could finally tell Sylvie everything he should have said but didn’t the other night.

Could he blame his nerves on the tiredness?

Maybe.

He’d hardly gotten any sleep after getting home from Sylvie’s.

He was about to do something he never thought he would do and it only took 2 years, a wonderful blonde and the fact that he was in-love with her and in his case she was the reason for all of this. 

It would be good for him too, for him to finally get the closure he needed her last visit wasn’t enough, that wasn’t closure because she sent him a message afterwards say thing that he was always welcome to join her.

She needed to know that he couldn’t and wouldn’t ever join her in Puerto Rico, it was time for their chapter to be closed forever. 

** “All passengers for Flight 2902 to Puerto Rico now boarding.” **

Bending down he picks up his carry on duffle bag and makes his way to board, this was it, he was finally doing this. 

Already he can’t wait to get back.   
  
Sitting in his seat his mind is on Sylvie, if he didn’t have to do he wouldn’t but he knows he has to for the sake of his future with her, he has to. 

He would be back soon and then he could start on how tell her he loves her. 

Looking out the window as the plane takes off he gets a full image of the city of Chicago.

It was still very early in the middle of the night so the all the pretty lights sparked the further away he got.

He wouldn’t trade it for anything, that was home and the fact that she was there made her apart of his home.

_‘Wait for me Sylvie. I promise I will figure this out for us. Just wait for me’_

He thinks to himself as he lets his eyes close getting the much needed sleep for the duration of the trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ps sorry for any grammar errors, I just wanted to get this up as soon as possible while it was fresh in my mind. Will edit in the future.

**Author's Note:**

> Im updated my two regular fics  
> -loving you  
> -through the years  
> So have a read of those if you would like some more Brettsey stuff. 
> 
> Love you guys and I appreciate it when you take your time to read anything I write especially when I take my time between updates. I am full time registered nurse and so my work comes first but I love writing I always have and it gives me time to have a break and escape so thank you guys! you'll probably hear from me again soon (this week) because obviously we have to talk about the new season haha. 
> 
> Thanks for listening to my ted talk!


End file.
